Confessions of a Stay-At-Home Mom

I've contemplated this entry for quite some time. In today's politically correct society, one can offend an audience too easily. No matter how hard I try, I'll still offend a few who read this particular entry...not because my words are offensive, but because of what my words make them feel.

I've written this entry for someone who might want to become a stay-at-home parent or for someone who thinks they know what the stay-at-home lifestyle is like. Each stay-at-home parent has his/her own experience, so my experiences are just that...mine. If you are already a stay-at-home parent, you may see yourself in these words, and I share them with you to demonstrate that you're not alone!

I became a SAHM simply because I wanted to raise my children - not tell someone else how to raise them. I wasn't a SAHM for most of Ray's first year because we couldn't afford it, but THANK GOD we turned our situation around. I quit full-time work before her 1st birthday, and it was one of the happiest days of my life.

Here are some common beliefs about SAHMs:
1. Being a SAHM is easier than being in the workforce.
2. SAHMs have a lot of free time.
3. Children of SAHMs are smarter and better behaved.
4. Children of SAHMs are not well socialized.
5. SAHMs are not very smart and are not capable of earning a decent living, which is why they're at home.
6. A family has to be financially "well off" in order to be a stay-at-home parent.

From my perspective, all of the above are false to one degree or another. I've had some difficult jobs, and this is by far the hardest one of all. The pressure I feel (whether perceived or real) is the toughest thing of all. I never feel as though I'm doing a good enough job or doing everything I should be doing. In truth, I'm sure I could do a lot of things better, but I know I'm doing a lot of things right. I struggle with staying motivated, managing my time and avoiding the "super mom" trap. There's always something that needs to be done, and the "to do" list grows every day, which means very little free time. I don't know if my children will be smarter as a result of being at home, but I do know they will receive consistent discipline. I do not tell someone else how to treat, teach or discipline my child...I'm doing it myself. But I struggle with defiance and tantrums just like any other mom.

I worried about socialization at first, but Ray gets more than her fair share. We meet up with other people who have children her age, and she loves meeting new kids at the playground too. You do have to work at finding suitable playmates, but it pays off in the long run. Sometimes I feel bad that she isn't around other children more often, but then I realize. She needs to learn to be comfortable with other children and alone with herself. As she gets older, she also will be exposed to more activities that will improve her social skills. Besides just because a child is in daycare doesn't mean that he/she is properly socialized either. It's in how you teach your child to interact with others that's important...whether at home or not.

As far as my intelligence or ability to earn a decent living...I don't claim to be the smartest person on the planet, but I am well-educated. I attended private schools until leaving home, and I earned a B.S. in Telecommunications Management (computer-related) in less than 3 years. I worked for 15 years in my field of study and slowly climbed the corporate ladder immediately after graduation. I walked away from a good paying corporate gig to be at home. Early on, hubby & I talked about one of us (not me by default) being at home. When the time came, we decided that is should be me...even though it didn't make sense to some. I made more money. I can hear it now, "Why would you give that up?!" Because for 15 years, I worked my butt off, and I was ready for a new challenge. My husband's career, on the other hand, was just taking off. I was also tired of wasting my time in the cubicle prairie. I chose this lifestyle and the sacrifices that come with it.

And even though hubby makes a decent living, we are hardly "well off". We make every day and long term sacrifices for me to be home. We have no debt except for our mortgage. We have an emergency fund and other savings. We live as simply as we can, and yet we still have many extras. You may look at this life and say that it's not worth the material sacrifice. Kids grow up so fast, and we wanted to enjoy that time to its fullest. Climbing the corporate ladder...having lots of money & "toys"...having a big fancy house and new cars...taking expensive vacations...those things are nice. But none are more important than the time we spend with our children. None. Some think that we're depriving our children; I say we're giving them a better. We don't indulge them with every little thing their heart desires, and we're teaching them about sacrifice. I can't think of more important character traits to have. If you don't agree, just look at the mess this country is in because of self-serving indulgance.

Let's get brutally honest now, okay? Being at home may require financial sacrifices that many are not willing to make. So please do not say to a SAHM, "Oh, I'd love to be at home with my kids too, but we just can't afford it." If you would have a hard time keeping a roof over your head and food on the table without two incomes, then that statement is 100% true for you...and the rest I say doesn't apply. But if you cannot live on one income (or even one and a half as we do) because you are not willing to sacrifice your lifestyle (i.e. living in a smaller, older home, driving older cars, not buying the newest gadget on the market) then you should realize that you are still sacrificing, but you're sacrificing time with your kids. Yeah, yeah. I know people like to think that it's not the quantity of time but the quality of time that counts. Hear me now and believe me later. I'd bet anything that you're working so much that your so-called quality time really isn't anything of quality.

Think of it this way. In order to get that one perfect photo of your kid doing something really cute, you have to take a million of them. The same thing could be said about "quality time". In order to get to that eutopia, you have to invest a lot of time...period. You simply cannot do that when you're working 8, 9, 10 or more hours a day. That's not said to offend you; it's just a simple reality.

I don't think anyone should be made to feel bad about their decision to work or be at home with their children. That decision is personal to the family. I do, however, think that our children tend to get the leftovers of our time and energy, and they should be getting the best of it. They're only little for a little while, and I intend to make the most of that time with them.

Doing the Chicken Dance

My poor hubby and daughter are on the verge of mutiny in the kitchen. Every weekend I plan a weekly menu that saves money and gives my family a variety of food. I'd like to think that my menu planning has been successful...up to this point. In my infinite wisdom (and without planning it), I managed to serve chicken the last three nights in a row!!

The fam isn't exactly digging my menu planning skills this week though. I made chicken salad on Monday night in order to use up scraps from a whole chicken I made last week. If I'd waited later in the week, the meat would've spoiled. I served chicken alfredo on Tuesday night. I was trying to be a thoughtful wife. Chicken alfredo is my hubby's favorite, and he's been requesting it for awhile. It didn't even dawn on me that I was serving chicken again until hubby made a joke about it. He wasn't laughing tonight though when he walked in the door and smelled...you guessed it...chicken. I made arrangements to bring dinner to a family who just had a new baby. I made chicken legs because it was easy and because I could make enough of this one dish to serve both families. Ray refused to eat it tonight. Go figure!

Sleep deprived in Iowa

The sugar fast continues, and I find myself worn out by early evening...every evening. I'm also not sleeping well, so I'm sure the combination of the two isn't helping my energy level. Hubby & I enjoyed some time off this weekend when relatives came to watch the girls. THANK YOU to my aunt & uncle for making the long trip here to give us a break...we needed it! Despite the ample amount of time we had to rest this weekend, I'm still exhausted today. I've had a few people ask if I feel better since giving up sugar, and I really don't. I think my body is still going through withdrawl. BUT I am very happy to say that the cravings are beginning to diminish. Before the challenge, I gave no thought to devouring a ton (I won't specify exactly how much 'cuz it's too embarassing) of ice cream, but now that doesn't even sound good to me. Dr. Phil says that our bodies crave whatever we feed it, so my goal is to break that cycle. When I was pregnant with Ray, I could stomach only fruits & vegetables, and after a few weeks, I found myself craving them. But I still can't look at a sugary treat without my heart breaking and my stomach aching, so I've got some work to do.

I've cloned myself

Observing Ray over the last month, I realize that I've given birth to...myself. Not only does the little munkin look just like I did at her age, but she also acts like me. She's very outgoing and very social. She's also clutzy, so she always has some kind of "ouchie". She sings quietly to herself whenever the mood strikes, but then there are times when she puts on a show. (A few weeks ago, she performed a little 5-minute dance routine to her own tune.) And in the past week, I've noticed that her imagination is kicking into high gear. She talks to characters that she knows from the cartoons we let her watch. ALL of this stuff is stuff I did when I was a wee one. I constantly tell my folks that their fondest wish has come true...I had a daughter just like me!

I hate Food Network

Ok no, I don't. I just can't watch it as much as I like anymore. Cooking is a hobby of mine. Watching Food Network is like watching art come alive. But since the beginning of this sugar challenge, every time I turn on FN, someone is concocting some sugary delight that makes my mouth water and my stomach rumble. It's ridiculous!

There but for the grace of God...

My hubby & I became aware of another family's situation that makes me: a) grateful that my children are not teenagers (yet); b) want to hug & kiss my kids every minute of the day; c) remember why I am at home with my children instead of working full-time; d) pray that my girls grow up to make good decisions; and e) realize that we could easily be in the same situation in 12-13 years. We have goals for ourselves as parents, and we have expectations for our girls. But we also realize that with all the good parenting, our girls may still make a lot of really, really bad choices. That's why when I see a screaming child in a store, I don't say...why doesn't someone shut that kid up?! Instead I say, thank God my child isn't doing the screaming....today.

I really don't get it

http://www.wptv.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=e52b5937-987a-4cf3-8356-3eb5625a99c5&rss=762

Can someone please tell me how no one knows that a 4-year old is in the vehicle? Okay, so maybe he had some kind of disorder that has left him non-verbal. I could understand that. But if we're talking about a normal 4-year old, they do not stay quiet for long. Look beyond just this story though at the countless cases in the last 5-10 years of children left in a hot car by their parents. I don't understand, and I hope I never do! I try not to be too judgemental of other parents because I've learned lessons the hard way that thankfully did no serious harm to my kid. But this is one situation that I cannot comprehend no matter how hard I try.

And what's even harder to understand is why many of these parents are never charged with a crime. At the very least, isn't this kind of thing child neglect or endangerment?! If I leave my children alone in the house...which by the way I never do...and something bad happens, you can get your booty I will be charged with a crime. But I hardly ever see parents in this situation charged. Why?! Your children should be one of your top priorities and concerns not forgotten like a set of keys. I understand being tired, groggy and forgetful. But I still don't understand how a parent "forgets" that their child is in the car. This type of death is slow, agonizing and cruel. "The parent has to live with this for the rest of their life. That's punishment enough," you say. To that I say, if our justice system doles out punishment based on how remorseful someone is after the fact, we're doomed.

The Busiest Week of the Year

Where oh where was my brain when I accepted hubby's challenge to be sugar-free for 60 days?! I definitely was not looking at my calendar. On top of being worn out from this month's activities, our church hosted their annual VBS event this week, which results in a very, very long work week for me. Add to that the fact that my "train" pulled into the station and that I was surrounded by sugary treats all week long, and you've got a recipe for disaster. But I'm very happy to report that despite the hectic schedule and constant temptation, I successfully completed my first week of the sugar fast. It wasn't easy, and it definitely wasn't pretty. But I made it through week one...only 7 more to go. Yippie yeehaw.

I wish I could breathe slowly and deeply now that this week is over, but more lies ahead. We have relatives coming from out of town to relieve us for the weekend, which is sooooo cool, but my mind is reeling over what still needs to be done before then. Needless to say, the first opportunity I will get to breathe slowly and deeply will be when hubby and I walk out the door for our kid-free weekend, which I am really, really looking forward to.

Jonesing for Sugar

I've nearly completed 3 whole days without sugar, and I'm starting to feel it. I picked the wrong time of year to take on this challenge! Although I could live on ice cream year round, summertime brings out the beast in me. Yesterday was SO hot, and all I could think of was how nice it would be to indulge in a frosty, creamy dish of ice cream. I could barely watch Food Network because they kept talking about summer desserts! And every ad on TV seemed to be advertising some kind of cool summer delight!! AAUUGHH!!! But despite the temptations, I have not given up. I've stayed busy, which is important, but now I'm afraid of how I'll handle next week when things slow down. The hardest time of day is at night because I've created a habit of indulging after the little ones go to bed. On the positive side, I'm tired much earlier in the evening, which means going to be earlier...which means more rest...which is something I need more of. I am tired throughout the day though, which isn't a good thing with two little ones to chase after. I keep looking down the road to the end of the challenge though, and I see myself better off. As a matter of fact, I find myself thinking of future "fasts" that could only improve my life. I won't get ahead of myself. In my old age, my self-control isn't what it used to be. But this could be the first step on the long journey of reclaiming good health for myself and my family.

Flying the Coop

Last Thursday, I packed up the girls and headed to Sioux City, IA, to visit relatives by ourselves. We left Daddy at home. The girls did really well considering how much they were in the car, how hot it was and that their sleep schedule was off. We had a good time visiting, playing & laughing - thanks to my relatives for putting us up and feeding us!! Meanwhile back at the ranch, Daddy moved the neighbor's swingset into our yard and finished building some shelves for me in one of our closets. Ray was excited by the new toy in our backyard, and I was thrilled to see the shelves that I've wanted for the last few years. It was a good homecoming!

The morning before we left, I noticed that the robin babies were flying out of the nest. I was so excited because I thought I might miss it while we were gone. One little baby didn't fly off for some reason but took sanctuary in our evergreen bushes. At one point while packing the car, I couldn't find him anywhere. On a hunch, I went around the south side of our house to our backyard...the path my cat usually takes when she gets out. Sure enough, the little stinker had hopped through the fence. My heart stopped because our backyard isn't empty; we have a Siberean Husky who doesn't like to share her yard with anyone but us. I ran around the other side of the fence to shoo the baby off, but the little one caught the dog's eye. She quickly chased it down and pounced on it - end of baby. :(

Sugar Free Challenge

For as long as I can remember, I've had a sweet tooth. In the last year, it's gotten a lot worse. I craved sugary treats throughout my pregnancy with Jordi and in the 6 months since her birth. You can imagine my amazement when I found out that I lost 15 pounds during the pregnancy. How did that happen?!? I've probably regained about 5 pounds since then, but not much more. Running after a 2-year old has its advantages, I guess!

For the last year, my hubby has commented on my sugar vice many, many times. I feel guilty because I would never allow my girls to consume as much sugar as I do, and now that Ray is a lot more observant, I've come to realize that I need to get this under control. Sugar itself isn't evil, but I need to re-examine my habits against my personal philosophy, which is "everything in moderation". They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, and I have a problem.

My husband - trying to prove a point - asked me the other night how I would feel if I had to give up sugary treats forever. At just his question, my body began to physically react. You see, my drug of choice is ice cream, and the thought of never having ice cream again makes my heart beat a little faster. Soooo....in order to prove a point to him and myself, the gauntlet was thrown.

My challenge: Give up sugary treats for 60 days beginning Monday, July 14th. This includes all the normal stuff like ice cream, candy, cookies, cake, pie, etc. But it also covers things like pastries or sweet stuff at breakfast too...not just desserts...and I'm not allowed to consume the sugar-free variety of afore mentioned items. My husband has graciously allowed two exemptions. I can continue to drink my favorite soda, which is Coke Zero, and I have one "free" day because my birthday is 30 days into the challenge.

My reward: I'll probably loose another 15 pounds, feel better physically, and feel better about myself for finishing. But I had to make it really pay off. Since Ray was born, I've had half a day "off" here and there to do whatever I wanted. My hubby on the other hand has had several days alone. So my primary reward will be one weekend (Sat & Sun) completely and utterly alone. I get to leave the hubby & the girls at home and take off. What I will do on that weekend is yet to be determined, but just the thought makes me giddy with anticipation.

In all seriousness though...I'm a determined individual, but you all have no idea how difficult this will be for me. I can't begin to describe it with words. We're smack dab in the middle of summer when sugary treats are plentiful. Not only will my birthday occur at the same time, but so will the Iowa State Fair. For those who have been to the Iowa State Fair, you know what I'll be missing. I'm sure with time it will get easier like any other addiction, but I'm not looking forward to it. I also know that it's necessary. There is a substantial history of diabetes in my family, so I need to do this for myself. I want to do it for my girls too. Both my hubby & I have struggled with food issues and extra weight our whole lives. Neither one of us want the girls to repeat our mistakes, and the best way to do that is to teach by example.

So three more days until I die a little inside. I'll keep ya posted!

35 Random Questions

1. Do you have any pets? Dog and cat
2. Movie Star Crush? Brad Pitt, but Harrison Ford is my long-running favorite.
3. What is the last book you read? Glorious Appearing (Left Behind series)
4. Were you a good student? Better in college than high school, but average in both.
5. What's your favorite sport? To play, volleyball. To watch, football.
6. Do you enjoy sleeping late? I don't understand the question.
7. Who tells the best jokes? My girlfriend's husband, Sean
8. Do you believe in karma? No, but I do believe that consequences (cause & effect) rules the universe. Just because you do good or do bad doesn't mean that it will necessarily come back to you. You should just choose to do good without expecting anything in return.
9. Do you believe in luck? No, but I do believe that God watches out for me, has my best interests at heart and gives me what I need. You call it luck; I call it answering my prayers.
10. Sunny side up or scrambled? Scrambled
11. Do you collect anything? Recipes and craft ideas...I don't have time to indulge my love of cooking or crafts, but when I do, I want to be prepared!!
12. Are you reliable? Overall yes
13. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Yes
14. What's your favorite invention? T.V.
15. Do you give in easily? Depends on the situation
16. Can you read other people's expressions? Yes
17. Nicknames? Obviously Trixie, which was given to me by a co-worker when I was in college. My hubby & I call each other "Schmoopee".
18. Have you ever been scuba diving? No but would like to try
19. Favorite color? Purple
20. Would you ever go skydiving? My hubby & I went diving on one of our first dates. It was an incredible experience, but now that I have kids, I'm not so sure I'd go again.
21. Do you enjoy challenges? Depends on the day
22. What's the worst injury you've ever had? Dog bite on my ankle
23. What do you want to know about the future? How my kids turn out.
24. What was your favorite subject in school? English
25. What was your least favorite? Science
26. Would you rather have love or money? Love
27. What is your dream vacation? A month in a beach house in San Diego
28. Do you listen to the radio? Constantly, I even listen to old radio shows from the 40s & 50svia iTunes.
29. Where were you when 9/11 happened? In the parking lot at work getting ready to start my day.
30. Do you have any obsessions right now? The robin family in my tree.
31. What's your favorite fruity scent? Green apple
32. Do you watch cartoons? I have a 2-year old; enough said.
33. Have you ever been to a different country? Mexico
34. Name three things in the world you dislike: Fake/dishonest people, big government that thinks it knows better than I do, and drivers who don't use their turn signal.
35. Who was the last person to make you laugh? My co-workers

The Rock

No, it hasn't passed, and we have been checking...ugh! But I called the doc yesterday, and he said that he doubts that Ray ever swallowed one as it would've passed by now. We're still checking (ick) just to be on the safe side, but with each passing day, I'm feeling more relieved. One of life's lessons that will end up costing a tidy sum, but it will make us more cautious in the future...especially with another little one who puts everything in her mouth.

Gone to the Birds

My husband tells me that I write too much about our robin family, but I can't help myself! It's been really neat watching the male & female start this family from beginning to end. We had another stormy night last night, and my husband thought he saw one of the babies fall out of the nest. But this morning, I saw three heads fighting for food from mom. Even if they did fall out of the nest, they're big enough that I think they would be okay.

This morning the male & female were perched on adjacent electrical lines chirping at each other. My overactive imagination says that they were nagging each other. One would chirp and then the other would chirp in response as if to say...you feed them...no you feed them....I just fed them, it's your turn...and so on. Been there; done that. We find ourselves doing that especially when Ray is having a particularly bad day.

Our funny for the day didn't come in the form of a funny situation. I was trying to remove a barette from Ray's hair, but she didn't want anything to do with it and began screaming. At one point in this process, she looks at her dad and shouts, "Daaaadddeeeeeee......help!"

Independence

Our baby robins are within days of leaving the nest. They've doubled in size since the photo I posted a few days ago. They're eyes are open, and they're covered in regular feathers. In short, they look like birds. I'm totally fascinated with these creatures!! My hubby made an observation today that could also apply to our family. For all the work involved before the babies were born, now that the babies are bigger, the male & female are working their butts off (or tail feathers, as it were)...feeding the babies non-stop. As Ray has gotten older, the demands on us have increased too. And from what we've heard from more experienced parents, it will only get worse. Good times. Oh well, there will be a time when we will have nothing but time on our hands, and I know we'll long for these days. Kinda like how we currently long for the times when she just sat in a bouncy chair and smiled.

Fourth of July weekend was busy but enjoyable. We attended the parade in our town, and for the first time, Ray really enjoyed it. Watching things from her perspective is probably the thing I love best about being a parent. The old becomes new again! We watched fireworks that night but sat a little too close to the display. Ray was scared silly from the noise, and debris was falling all over the crowd. Other than that, the weekend was enjoyable as we spent time visiting with family members. Since we live on one income, these little road trips are basically our "vacation". Not the most exotic destination, but great memories were made just the same.

The "Happiness" Factor

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/25494632#25494632

"Recent studies show being a parent might not be exactly what you dreamed it would be." I had to laugh when I heard the intro to this story on the Today show. First...recent studies?! So those of you with kids older than 5 ay not be aware that parenthood isn't always what we expect. (Sarcastically) WOW, I wish I knew that before Ray was born!

Parents-to-be...hear me now and believe me later. Parenthood is never what you expect and/or dream. Sometimes it exceeds your expectations, and sometimes it falls short. The thing to remember (and was briefly discussed in this story) is that a child in and of itself doesn't make you happier. It's because your life takes on new purpose that makes you happier. We were designed to be servants, and it's the living for something outside yourself that generates happiness. But as a society, we're obsessed with the "happiness factor". I've watched people make really stupid and irrevocable decisions in the pursuit of their own happiness. Happiness itself shouldn't be the end all be all in our lives.

I would venture a guess that everyone, at one point in time, says to themselves...having children will make me happier...having children will give me a reason to live...having children will make me complete. I did, and I know I'm not alone. Instead of asking whether a child makes a person happier, shouldn't we ask whether the person can make the child happier. Ask not what your (future) children can do for you, but what you can do for your (future) children.

Cat Scratch Fever

It's a cold day in Hades, folks. My cat is old & grumpy, and she isn't exactly Ray's biggest fan. Ray loves her, but Jazzy usually hisses at and hides from her. This evening, Ray threw a fit when I picked her up for a diaper change. The cat must've thought I was trying to hurt Ray cuz she charged at me and started attacking my legs. Both my hubby & I stared at each other with mouths agape. So despite all her protests and scaredy-cat (no pun intended) ways, Jazzy really does like Ray after all.

One Fine Day

If you've seen the movie "One Fine Day", you'll know what I'm talking about when I refer to Michelle Pfiefer's character's purse. She was like Felix the Cat with his magic bag of tricks; everything and the kitchen sink was in that thing. That is not the kind of mom I am. Whenever we go out, I have to run through a checklist in my mind to make sure we have everything we'll need, and because my memory isn't what it used to be, I always forget something. No different today as Jordi, Ray & I headed out to a local wading pool for some summer fun. Before walking out the door, I went through the checklist. Extra swim and regular diapers...check. Change of clothes...check. Beach towels and SPF 100,000,000...check. Sun hat so that Jordi doesn't go blind in the relentless sun...oops. Extra juice for Ray so that she stays well hydrated...oops. Lunch for Ray since we would be there over lunchtime...oops. Sometimes I can be really dense, but usually things turn out fine. Today was no different. Jordi managed well w/o the hat, and our friends shared their lunch w/Ray. Call the parent police to report my unorganized parenting. :)


I noticed this afternoon that our robin babies were poking their little beaks over the side of the nest, so I snapped a picture. They're just as ugly/cute as the first babies. I hope we're around when momma finally teaches them how to fly. How exciting!! If you click on the image to see the larger image, you can see one little baby looking right at the camera, and another fuzzy head underneath the momma's tummy.

PS - No, Ray hasn't passed the rock yet.