Confessions of a Stay-At-Home Mom

I've contemplated this entry for quite some time. In today's politically correct society, one can offend an audience too easily. No matter how hard I try, I'll still offend a few who read this particular entry...not because my words are offensive, but because of what my words make them feel.

I've written this entry for someone who might want to become a stay-at-home parent or for someone who thinks they know what the stay-at-home lifestyle is like. Each stay-at-home parent has his/her own experience, so my experiences are just that...mine. If you are already a stay-at-home parent, you may see yourself in these words, and I share them with you to demonstrate that you're not alone!

I became a SAHM simply because I wanted to raise my children - not tell someone else how to raise them. I wasn't a SAHM for most of Ray's first year because we couldn't afford it, but THANK GOD we turned our situation around. I quit full-time work before her 1st birthday, and it was one of the happiest days of my life.

Here are some common beliefs about SAHMs:
1. Being a SAHM is easier than being in the workforce.
2. SAHMs have a lot of free time.
3. Children of SAHMs are smarter and better behaved.
4. Children of SAHMs are not well socialized.
5. SAHMs are not very smart and are not capable of earning a decent living, which is why they're at home.
6. A family has to be financially "well off" in order to be a stay-at-home parent.

From my perspective, all of the above are false to one degree or another. I've had some difficult jobs, and this is by far the hardest one of all. The pressure I feel (whether perceived or real) is the toughest thing of all. I never feel as though I'm doing a good enough job or doing everything I should be doing. In truth, I'm sure I could do a lot of things better, but I know I'm doing a lot of things right. I struggle with staying motivated, managing my time and avoiding the "super mom" trap. There's always something that needs to be done, and the "to do" list grows every day, which means very little free time. I don't know if my children will be smarter as a result of being at home, but I do know they will receive consistent discipline. I do not tell someone else how to treat, teach or discipline my child...I'm doing it myself. But I struggle with defiance and tantrums just like any other mom.

I worried about socialization at first, but Ray gets more than her fair share. We meet up with other people who have children her age, and she loves meeting new kids at the playground too. You do have to work at finding suitable playmates, but it pays off in the long run. Sometimes I feel bad that she isn't around other children more often, but then I realize. She needs to learn to be comfortable with other children and alone with herself. As she gets older, she also will be exposed to more activities that will improve her social skills. Besides just because a child is in daycare doesn't mean that he/she is properly socialized either. It's in how you teach your child to interact with others that's important...whether at home or not.

As far as my intelligence or ability to earn a decent living...I don't claim to be the smartest person on the planet, but I am well-educated. I attended private schools until leaving home, and I earned a B.S. in Telecommunications Management (computer-related) in less than 3 years. I worked for 15 years in my field of study and slowly climbed the corporate ladder immediately after graduation. I walked away from a good paying corporate gig to be at home. Early on, hubby & I talked about one of us (not me by default) being at home. When the time came, we decided that is should be me...even though it didn't make sense to some. I made more money. I can hear it now, "Why would you give that up?!" Because for 15 years, I worked my butt off, and I was ready for a new challenge. My husband's career, on the other hand, was just taking off. I was also tired of wasting my time in the cubicle prairie. I chose this lifestyle and the sacrifices that come with it.

And even though hubby makes a decent living, we are hardly "well off". We make every day and long term sacrifices for me to be home. We have no debt except for our mortgage. We have an emergency fund and other savings. We live as simply as we can, and yet we still have many extras. You may look at this life and say that it's not worth the material sacrifice. Kids grow up so fast, and we wanted to enjoy that time to its fullest. Climbing the corporate ladder...having lots of money & "toys"...having a big fancy house and new cars...taking expensive vacations...those things are nice. But none are more important than the time we spend with our children. None. Some think that we're depriving our children; I say we're giving them a better. We don't indulge them with every little thing their heart desires, and we're teaching them about sacrifice. I can't think of more important character traits to have. If you don't agree, just look at the mess this country is in because of self-serving indulgance.

Let's get brutally honest now, okay? Being at home may require financial sacrifices that many are not willing to make. So please do not say to a SAHM, "Oh, I'd love to be at home with my kids too, but we just can't afford it." If you would have a hard time keeping a roof over your head and food on the table without two incomes, then that statement is 100% true for you...and the rest I say doesn't apply. But if you cannot live on one income (or even one and a half as we do) because you are not willing to sacrifice your lifestyle (i.e. living in a smaller, older home, driving older cars, not buying the newest gadget on the market) then you should realize that you are still sacrificing, but you're sacrificing time with your kids. Yeah, yeah. I know people like to think that it's not the quantity of time but the quality of time that counts. Hear me now and believe me later. I'd bet anything that you're working so much that your so-called quality time really isn't anything of quality.

Think of it this way. In order to get that one perfect photo of your kid doing something really cute, you have to take a million of them. The same thing could be said about "quality time". In order to get to that eutopia, you have to invest a lot of time...period. You simply cannot do that when you're working 8, 9, 10 or more hours a day. That's not said to offend you; it's just a simple reality.

I don't think anyone should be made to feel bad about their decision to work or be at home with their children. That decision is personal to the family. I do, however, think that our children tend to get the leftovers of our time and energy, and they should be getting the best of it. They're only little for a little while, and I intend to make the most of that time with them.