The Christmas Grinchees

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I am so blessed in many ways and am looking forward to spending time with family! The turkey is barely cold, and I'm already thinking of Christmas...scouring the Internet for gift ideas, planning Christmas-related activities, drawing names for the gift exchange. And already, I'm dreading it.


The really odd part is that Christmas is my favorite holiday, so why the dread? I've noticed a pattern over the past few years. Every December, I find myself getting worn down by the stress, fatigue and hassles. On Christmas Eve, I find myself regretting how I behaved over the last month. I don't want to repeat that this year. My girls are getting older, and I want Christmas to be special for them. How special can it be when mom is stressed to the hilt?

I think the problem is rooted in the anticipation of long lines, rude shoppers and blatant commercialism that degrades the holiday. Did you notice it? I said that I get stressed by the sheer anticipation of all the bad things. When I write that out, it sounds so dumb! Whenever I allow negative emotions/behavior to take over, that's all I can see around me. Thus, the Christmas "grinchees" are born!

The key principle here is that I am choosing to focus on those things and choosing to be in a bad mood. Truth is, it doesn't matter what goes on around me, I still choose my reaction. Whether I think that a store clerk will be rude or whether he/she is rude, that doesn't give me the right to be rude in kind. Whether I think other shoppers will be inconsiderate or whether they are inconsiderate, I don't have the right to be an inconsiderate shopper myself.

Christmas is supposed to be about hope, joy, charity, love, celebrating Jesus, etc. And I want my girls to eventually love Christmas as much as I do. I want it to be filled with all the magic, wonder and anticipation I felt as a little girl.

This year, I've committed myself to enjoying the next month and celebrating in ways that will make terrific memories for my girls. In order to do that, I have to throw off the Christmas "grinchees". And truth be told, this is something I need to practice on a daily basis anyway. Those "grinchees" tend to stick around long after Christmas, and as our family is faced with an uncertain future, it's so easy to get mired down in the negative. That's not what I want Christmas to be about; that's not what I want even this season of unemployment to be about.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on how to live "inside out". If someone were to observe me from a distance, would they see my joy and my hope? Would they see how God has granted my request of peace during a scary time? Or would they see sadness, worry and fear written all over my face? Last week, a friend observed (as she gave me a supportive hug) that I looked like I'd been through the wringer. Last week was a particularly difficult week for me, but I pressed forward anyway. I like to laugh and to make other people laugh, and I was trying to do that last week as a means of escaping what I really felt inside. But my friend's observation made it clear that I wasn't fooling anyone, and I had a hard time holding back the tears.

This week is a little better. My resolve has been strengthened, and each day I'm reaching for joy and hope. And as I look ahead, I'm committing myself to making this Christmas enjoyable not just for my family but for myself too. I've committed to celebrating all the greatness of this season for the entire month with the climax on Christmas Day.

The real test will be whether I can make that change in attitude last all year long. I'm convinced that with God's help I can do anything, but it won't be easy...especially if hubby doesn't find a job soon. But it really doesn't matter whether the job comes next week or next month or several months down the road. What matters is my attitude. It doesn't matter if the girls misbehave or are challenging to deal with. What matters is my attitude. It doesn't matter if the house is a mess, and I'm behind on my tasks at work. What matters is my attitude. It doesn't matter if hubby didn't clean the kitchen or said something unkind. What matters is my attitude. What happens to me is not nearly as important as how I react to it.

As a mom of two little ones who demand a lot of time and energy, my attitude suffers because of fatigue or unfinished work or constant challenges. Choosing the right attitude despite my circumstances is H-A-R-D!! But for the sake of my sanity and the sanity of those I love, it's crucial...whether at Christmas or any other time of the year. I truly believe that I will leave a legacy when I am gone. Do I want that legacy to be one of all things negative? Or do I want that legacy to be all things positive? No, I'm not striving for perfection, but you've known people like that, haven't you? You've known someone deceased who was a big you-know-what, and you've known someone deceased who was a saint. I most definitely want my family & friends to celebrate when I'm gone because I'll be in a better place and because I had a positive impact in their lives...even if small. I certainly don't want them to be singing "Ding, dong! The witch is dead!"

And the reality is that the change in my attitude has to come now...not "when". The change in my attitude has to be more than surface deep, so that tough times that rattle my cage won't destroy my spirit. This concept is truthfully an up-hill battle for me as the battle between heart and mind always is. It's a step-by-step process, and it begins with a heart of gratitude....for my very life and for the many blessings which I enjoy.

This "season" of uncertainty will eventually end, and the question is whether or not I want to look back with deep regret or with deep satisfaction. Do I want to be encouraging and supportive to hubby or do I want to make him miserable? Do I want to love on my girls like never before or do I want to snip at them? Not many set out to intentionally hurt or stress loved ones, but it happens anyway...because we let our attitude and behavior run hot & cold based on what's happening in the moment.

This Christmas season, I can pretend to be filled with the love, joy and hope that it represents. Or I can be so filled with love, joy & hope (from the very depths up to the very top) that it spills over onto everyone I meet. I can be ticked off at that inconsiderate shopper and let it ruin my day...or, even better, tell the person off and ruin their day too...and in all likelihood make no impression on them whatsoever. Or I can focus on being the most considerate shopper, customer, friend, wife, mother, daughter, etc. And by doing so, who knows? Maybe those people will begin to experience the REAL meaning of Christmas...and of life in general. Instead of hoping that others will change to suit us, why not strive to be the kind of person we want others to be? I can't think of a better way to throw off the "grinchees" this Christmas or to impact our world for the better. Can you?

Question: Does your outward behavior and attitude reflect what you value and believe in your heart? Or do you let life's stresses (big and small) take over?

The Joys of Frugality

A few months ago, I had a very enjoyable hobby...bargain hunting. "Retail is for suckers," I say. I have found hundreds of good deals over the years on clothes, toys, food, etc. I got a rush from finding the ultimate bargain. I have no problem sorting through clearance racks, scouting thrift and consignment stores, scouring garage sale piles, etc. I have saved my family a ton of money by doing this. Keep in mind, I don't buy just anything; I buy quality. I've found lots of near new clothes for myself, hubby and the girls; I've found lots of toys and books for my girls that have been gently loved. I've stocked up on staples at the grocery store with combinations of in-store discounts and coupons. I'm not nearly as good at bargain hunting as some people I know, but I'm pretty darn good. It became a hobby for me. It was fun.

Now...not so much. A few months ago, my family wasn't living high on the hog by any means. Hubby's salary was good but not huge. My part-time income is enough to cover our mortgage, but that's it. Everything else came out of his paycheck, and now that's gone. He is collecting unemployment, but that is half of what he was getting paid before. Ouch.

A few months ago, we had a little wiggle room in our budget. Now, definitely not. Frugality isn't a hobby anymore; it isn't fun. It's a matter of survival. And I find it hard to enjoy those finds that previously would make me giddy because even when I do find that bargain, I have to question whether or not we really need the item. I didn't have to do that before; a bargain was a bargain.

I've passed up a lot of good deals lately because I didn't want to spend the money if not absolutely necessary. It totally breaks my heart to do that, but I've got no choice. Bargain hunting has become a chore. Ugh.

Moreover, I find that I'm looking for ways to delay expenses. Ray is 3 1/2 and is not yet potty trained at bedtime, so she still uses pull-ups. Jordi is still in diapers. Before doing the weekly shopping this morning, I counted how many of each I have on hand and asked myself whether we could go another week without buying more. I determined we could. Am I going to far? To purchase those two items together would cost about $30. When your income is as small as ours is right now, that is a chunk of money. If I can delay the expense, it could mean all the difference. I also inventoried my personal hygiene stash before shopping and determined that I didn't need to purchase toothpaste or conditioner. Don't worry; I'm not doing without! :) I have a ton of those little tubes of toothpaste that you get from the dentist usually used for travel. Since there is a moratorium on travel, I might as well use up all that toothpaste, right? And as far as conditioner, I can mix what I have with a little water to make it last longer.

I know, I know. These practices might shock or surprise you and make you think that we're totally destitute. Let me assure you; we're not. My mind works a little differently than most, and in hard times, my mind has twisted even more. If we don't need something right now, we don't need it. Period. Occasionally I'll stock up on grocery items if the discount is steep enough, but I'm breaking myself of that habit because all the little discounted items add up to one large deduction from our bank account...something we cannot afford right now.

I don't mind delaying expenditures or cutting back on the bargain hunting for a short time. If it helps my family live without fear, then I'll do whatever I need to do. But because our situation isn't showing signs of changing any time soon, I'm concerned that these current practices will eventually drain me emotionally. The first week of hubby's unemployment, wandering the isles of a local hardware store, in search of an inexpensive shower curtain rod, brought me to tears. The weekly grocery shopping was also very hard for me...more tears. At that time, it didn't matter that these were things we absolutely needed; I didn't want to spend the money. Sounds silly, I know. I've since moved past that to survival mode, which includes doing everything in my power to keep expenses down. Since I'm the household manager, that means watching every penny. Unfortunately, it also includes "counseling" hubby on his spending too. :) (BTW, he's pretty good at not spending money when it's not warranted.)

When we knew how much unemployment he would collect, I quickly recalculated our budget to make sure we could survive and determined that we could. It would be tight and a little scary, but we could do it.

Then the first month came and went. As I updated our budget, I realized that we had done horribly in our spending. We spent on things that were unexpected, and we spent on things that we really didn't need. I was so frustrated with myself and hubby. "If we're not careful, we're going to be in big trouble." That was the thought that kept circling around in my brain. Then I looked at the bottom line of our budget worksheet, which shows me the difference income & expenses. It was a positive number! What?! That happened again in October as well, and I imagine that November will be more of the same. (Although we've really tightened it up lately.)

How do I explain the positive number when in reality it should've been negative? You may not like my answer, but I hope you do.

Answer: God

He's been taking care of and providing for us the entire time. I won't get into the how & why right now (maybe in a future post), but I am fully confident in the fact that God is the ultimate manager of our home. He makes the dollars stretch and the "things" last longer...beyond any logic. Trust me, I'm a skeptical and logical thinker. I don't naturally approach things from faith in things unseen. But God meets me where I'm at, and through my very detailed analysis of our financial health, I see God's fingerprints. Nothing else makes sense. You might call it luck or coincidence, but don't those two imply randomness and irregularity? After all, nobody has our kind of "good luck" for years. God has blessed and provided for us (beyond logic) for years...month after month. Even now in hard times, He continues to provide in a way that makes us smile, shake our heads in amazement and continually pray prayers of thanks and gratitude.

As the Christmas season approaches, I felt a strong urge to be a blessing to others because God has blessed us. Granted, we can't bless in a big way, but I'm not sure the amount is what matters. We agreed that this is something we want to continue as an annual family tradition, so we created a plan with that in mind. Beginning this year, we plan to make a donation to an organization that focuses on children, send a care package to a deployed military person and bless a missionary. This year, we're sending a shoebox full of toys & treats for an under privileged child through Operation Christmas Child. (I had fun shopping for that this morning!) We also plan to send a care package to the son-in-law of an acquaintance. This young man is in the Marines and currently in Iraq. Because hubby is a Marine and because we know the young man's family, we felt he was the right person this year. We also know a young couple who serve as missionaries in SE Asia. They are serving in a country that would deport or imprison them if the government knew they were Christian missionaries, and yet they serve boldly and bravely. They have a young child, and I've gotten to know them better through email over the past year as we exchange stories and encouragement. I also enjoyed meeting them face-to-face this year when they were home for a visit. Who better to bless than someone I care for very much and is doing God's work in a scary place?

Yup, no doubt about it. God gives us everything we need and then some. Our job is to manage those gifts in the best way we can. Do we make mistakes? Sure! But we do our best, and we pray constantly for wisdom about the future. Is it scary to believe that God will provide for us in the future....especially when hubby's job leads are few and far between? My skeptical brain says yes. Sometimes I'm scared to death! But all I have to do is reflect on how God has provided in the past....beyond all logic. And then I have no doubts.

Question: How do you view your money, house, cars, assets...THINGS? Are they stuff you've worked your butt off for or are they blessings for which you are grateful? Here's something to remember. Years ago, a reporter asked J.D. Rockefeller how much Rockefeller would leave behind when he died. His response? EVERYTHING!

Behind the Eight Ball

In the billiards game of Eight Ball, all the balls must be sunk in order 1 through 8. One way to lose the game is by allowing the cue ball to strike the eight ball first. If the eight ball is in between your cue and balls numbered 1 through 7, you are said to be "behind the eight ball"...in other words, in a very difficult position.

Ever find yourself in that kind of situation?

When it comes to house cleaning, my husband and I are behind the eight ball. We're not total slobs, but "neat freak" is not a phrase you could use to describe either one of us. I'd love to blame this on our girls; however, our slacking began long before they were born. Our entire house could use a good scrubbing and sanitizing, and the overall organization of this place...well, it's a nightmare.

In my heart of hearts, I'm a perfectionist organizing neat freak, so the current state of my home is a source of stress for me. I was already behind before the girls were born, and now I'm even further behind. I don't have enough time in the day to get done all that needs to be done. If I'm lucky, I can spend quality time with my little ladies and still manage to tackle the regular daily chores that must be done to prevent my home from becoming an A-1 pig sty. Except that to really make a difference, I also need to clean things that a lot of people don't pay attention to...baseboards, corners, walls, nooks, crannies, etc. And I need to get into all the closets and boxes, crammed with tons of junk, to determine what can be thrown away, given away or reorganized.

Who has that kind of time? I've tried the "tackle it 15 minutes a day" suggestion. That doesn't work because I don't get enough done, and by the time I return to finish the job, things have either returned to the original condition or gotten worse. I've tried the "tackle it on weekends" suggestion. Our weekends end up being crazy busy and gone before I know what hit me.

My new plan is to tackle it room by room. In other words, start in the worst room of the house. Purge the junk or clutter. Then clean literally from top to bottom. I don't move to the next room until the current one is complete. Except Room #1 has now been on my to do list for about two months. I'm not exactly making the headway that I desire. Hmmmm...

I'm most definitely behind the eight ball. Ever feel that way? Like you're in a pit so deep that you'll never climb your way out? Maybe you too feel behind the eight ball where your housecleaning is concerned....if that's the case, email me because I think we need to start a support group. Or maybe you feel behind the eight ball where your career is concerned. I think hubby feels that way since he lost his job, so email him to start up that support group. :) Or maybe you feel behind the eight ball where your health/weight is concerned...or parenting...or finances.

That eight ball position is not where I want to be, but in order to make the impossible possible, I have to recognize two things. First, I put myself in that position. Second, it's going to take a lot of hard work to make the shot, so to speak.

When you're on a bad path, it isn't just enough to recognize that you're on a bad path; you also have to correct course. And the amount of time necessary to correct yourself is directly proportional to the amount of time you stayed on the bad path. If you gained an extra 80 pounds over the last 10 years, it's probably going to take you longer than 6 months to lose it. If you charged yourself into $50,000 worth of debt over the last 10 years, it's probably going to take you longer than a year to pay it off. If you've neglected your home for the last seven years (hello, Self!), it's probably going to take you longer than a month get the job done.

Whereas the eight ball position may be the impossible shot in billiards, it isn't necessarily an impossible shot in life. Case in point...my pantry has become so disorganized over the years that it was painful to look at. Every week, it taunted me as I tried to find a way to shove the new groceries into it. Tonight, I finally made the time to get it done...purge, scrub, reorganize and finally admire. It was a good feeling. Obviously, maintenance will be required to avoid another eight ball battle w/the pantry, but I was able to discard a tiny bit of stress and make myself smile. There is nothing better than that! Now, what can I tackle next? Hmmm....

Question: Is there an area of your life where you feel behind the eight ball? If you can name something in particular, what prevents you from correcting course? Is it willpower? Time? Money? Motivation? Attitude? Whatever it is, let me be the first to encourage you to not just recognize this weak area but to also take action to correct. If you take action, something will change. If you do nothing, nothing will change.

Dying dreams and how to resurrect them

I've heard it said that the loss of a job is similar to a death of a loved one, and I believe it. Granted, death is usually associated with much more anguish and pain than losing a job, but I think there is another difference. Death is permanent whereas a job loss is temporary.

Nevertheless, I found myself going through those seven stages of grief when hubby lost his job. I've been in the acceptance stage for quite some time, but once in awhile, one of the other stages will creep up on me again. For example, I'll get angry or scared or even be in denial about the uncertainty of our situation. But what's giving me hope is that I know our situation is temporary. It will not last forever. The uncertainty of specifically how it will end troubles me, I say my prayers, give my hubby a hug and then dig into the details of our daily lives. And I allow God to comfort me through various ways that bring me peace and allow me to continue living my life.

The other day as we were talking about future dreams, I asked hubby why we should even be talking about these dreams until he gets a job. No sooner did the words come out of my mouth that I realized how powerful that statement was, and it made me suddenly realize where my current state of "unloveli-ness" was coming from. I feel like we're putting our life on hold until he gets a job, and no job has been found yet...after three months.

Our dreams aren't elaborate by any means, but they're things that we'd like to do in the future that require suitable financing. Without that next job, we really cannot live out what we most would like to do. That's a really frustrating feeling! So I wanted to do something that would lighten our moods and allow us to dream again.

That night, he & I planned to spend some time alone w/the girls spent time with their grandparents. Before dinner was served, I told him that the theme of the night was "The Game of 3". For example, name three things you would like to purchase in the next year...just for yourself. Or name three places you'd like to visit w/the girls. Or name three cars you'd like to own. Or, if you had magical powers, name three ways you'd change our country. Stuff like that. I even challenged him to come up with some of his own questions.

It got off to a slow start, but after awhile, we started having a lot of fun with it. Some of the "3s" were serious, but most were light-hearted and generated a lot of laughter. After dinner we moved to a coffeehouse and played "The Game of 3" for another hour and a half.

As the evening wore on, I noticed that the game was having the affect that I hoped it would. Not only did we share laughter (badly needed right now) and dreams (some realistic and some wild), but it also resulted in terrific conversation that didn't revolve around just the kids. I have to admit that often times my dreams take center stage...I'm the one thinking about them, discussing them, planning them, etc. He's a pretty easy going guy and agrees with most of what I come up with. But that night also allowed me to watch him dream some of his own dreams, which he really needed to do. He needed to get that dream cycle going again, so that he could see his way out of our current crisis.

Needless to say, we were able to resurrect our dreams and our attitude. If only for that night, we were able to take our life "off hold" and think about the future.

Question: When a major crisis hits your home, do you feel as though your life gets put on hold until the crisis passes?