The wrestling match

How fast could life have you pinned to the mat unable to move? What would cause you to accept defeat, and what would cause you to struggle and fight your way out of the hold no matter how impossible a win might seem?

My spirit and my mind have been wrestling with each other since hubby's unemployment started. My spirit has always said (and still does), "God will provide. We'll be okay." My mind, however has always said (and still does), "We're going to lose everything. Life will not be the same for us this time next year." Which one is right? Depends on which side you ask and on which day! :)

This week hasn't been good for me. The job search isn't going well. Our new budget is very restrictive, and we have to watch every penny...even more so than before, which means more time, effort and frustration. I'm doing my best to stay upbeat and positive, but with each passing day, it's a little harder. The fact that I have a really hard time even talking about the situation should be an indication that I'm not as strong as I may seem on the outside. So if you encounter me on a bad day, I apologize. This situation is best described as hard for me to accept. I still struggle with the sadness, worry and anger. I'm still asking "Why?" and still seeking answers.

And to complicate matters, because I am a Christian, I don't think that I should still be struggling with negative emotions. The problem is that even as strong as I am in my faith, I'm still human...in constant search of God's wisdom and understanding...but human just the same.

My spirit says, "God will provide." My mind says, "What if this goes on much longer than we think it will?" My spirit says, "It's in God's hands." My mind says, "What if he ends up in some dead-end low-paying job that he despises?" My spirit says, "Trust God." My mind says, "What if we both end up working in dead-end low-paying jobs?" My spirit says, "God is in control." My mind says, "What if the girls end up in daycare?" My spirit says, "Lean on God." My mind says, "Stop whining. You're better off than a lot of other people." My spirit says, "God is with you through it all." My mind says, "What did we do wrong to deserve this?" My spirit says, "God loves you unconditionally and through it all. Maybe He wants you to succeed through this, so you can develop a more compassionate heart and help those others who are worse off than you."

I think the real problem is that for all the Truth my spirit speaks (and sometimes yells), it still is not able to give me an end-date. I'm all about dates and hitting targets. Then again, my mind doesn't exactly give me that end-date either with all the partying it does...pity partying, that is. So it's back and forth I go. I am usually encouraged and at peace when surrounded by spiritual Christians who genuinely care about what we're going through. And I'm usually sad & worried when I'm by myself.

What does that say about the depth of my faith? How strong is it really if, at the sight of one crisis, I am toppled over and pinned to the mat so easily? What can I do differently to make this stop??

I could do lots of things. I will try to do lots of things. I don't wish for this time to extend much longer, but what I don't want even more is to continue marinating in the negative self-talk that constantly plagues my mind. And then my spirit yells, "PRAY! NOW!"

Prayer is a means of communicating with my Heavenly Father, and it's not a one-way street. He shares with me what He wants me to dwell on. He shares with me what He wants me to pray about. He shares with me the changes that He wants me to make. Prayer is a very powerful means of working through my problems and negative self-talk. When life knocks me down, prayer is what gives me the strength, energy and focus I need to struggle and fight my way up and out of a heart-breaking, life-altering pin that would otherwise keep me down on the mat.

I would love for God to share with me the date when hubby will be offered another job. Alas, it doesn't work that way. If it did, I might miss out on even greater blessings...the ability to finally stop relying on my own strength and to once-and-for-all rely on His. Through the uncertainty, I might finally be able to let go of the control I value so much. Through the uncertainty, I might finally stop battling with myself and celebrate victories that happen on a daily basis...for example, getting one (or both) of my girls to eat the supper I work hard to prepare, having a productive day despite wanting so badly to be lazy, giggling with hubby over something goofy even though 15 minutes earlier I wanted to strangle him because of a misunderstanding.

God has blessed us several times over throughout the last month, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Do my actions speak louder than my words though? I say that I'm grateful, and I mean it. But have my actions said that I'm grateful? This last week, I'd say that both my actions and my words have been equally lousy. This coming week, my prayer focus and attention will be on improving both...not to the point of being fake, but to the point of reflecting my new motto. I may be sad. I may be angry. I may be worried. I may be stressed, but I am most definitely blessed! With God as my coach & trainer, the wrestling match is already over, and my spirit has already won. My mind just hasn't gotten the final score yet. Hopefully it will get the message this week!

Question: When encountered with life's problems, what or who do you rely on to strengthen your resolve? Is it yourself? What if you get a second time or a third? Are you still able to maintain strength, energy and focus? How do you recharge your batteries, so to speak, to keep fighting? Or do you remain pinned until the problem passes?