The Sound of Silence

The girls are asleep, and the hubby has left for a couple days of deer hunting. The house is quiet, and I'm left with only myself...and my thoughts. I can't help but think, "How much longer is this going to go on?" How much longer will it be before hubby lands a new job? How much longer can we survive on what we're currently living on? How much longer before we reach that really dire place where all hope seems to be lost?

The good news is that, with regard to the last question, we're not there yet. In fact, we're far from it, but my human nature can't help but wonder if that point will arrive? Will it be one month from now or six months from now? I can't help but wonder how much different our lives will look one year from tonight. The past few weeks have been a real struggle for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Thankfully the spiritual crisis has passed, and I pray that it will not return. As far as I'm concerned, I know God will continue to provide for us as He has in the past.

But again I ask, how much longer?

I wish I had the answer to that question. I know there are thousands of families around this country...possibly the world...who are asking themselves the same question. Maybe their circumstances are different than ours, but they are asking what I ask. Sometimes God makes His wishes remarkably clear. I've seen it happen in the lives of those close to me, and I've seen it happen in my own life. But it's the waiting and not knowing that is the hardest.

I am confident that our current situation will end. In exactly what way, I don't know and won't know until it happens. But I know it will end. And until then, we are tasked to be patient, responsible, diligent and thankful. Yes, thankful for what we have, and we have a lot! We don't have the worries of a life-threatening illness in ourselves or our daughters. We don't have the worries of how to keep the lights on and food on the table. We don't have the worries of where we will sleep for the night or what we will wear. God has provided!

We don't have all the showy things that many in our lives have; we don't enjoy the luxuries that many view as "necessities". But we treasure the things we do have - both material and immaterial. We value what we've been blessed with, and honestly we don't miss the other stuff. Well, okay. Some things I would love to have. But in the grand scheme of things, even those things don't mean much.

The book of Matthew says, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." (Matt 6:19) Sure there are things that would be nice to have...not just for myself but for my girls too. The Bible never says that "things" are bad. The Bible doesn't say that having money is bad. What it does say is not to value those things and that money above everything else. The Bible says, "the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil" (1 Tim 6:10). Dare I say that the love of things can also be attributed to "all kinds of evil" as well. What does that popular money gal, Suze Orman, say? People first, money second, things last. I think she's on to something, but my motto would look a little different. God first, family second, others third, money and things last.

Part of putting God first means, above all else, having a grateful heart....even if that means I have to force myself to be grateful. Force? Yes, force. Because sometimes I just don't want to be grateful; I want to feel sorry for myself and what I don't have. I don't want to look on the bright side; I just want a pity party. That's what I allowed myself to indulge in over the past few weeks, but no longer. I no longer wish to focus on what I don't have.

Have you ever given Christmas present to a child, and the child was less than thrilled about it? Maybe the child even threw a little hissy fit? I have. Wow, what a humiliating experience. A child might not understand that they've hurt the gift giver's feelings with their reaction, but it hurts nonetheless. If you've found yourself in this situation, you may have even thought to yourself (or out loud), "What an ungrateful little brat!" Now apply that scenario to adults who are never satisfied with what they have. Totally satisfied with the job they're in...totally satisfied with the stuff they have...totally satisfied with the relationships they enjoy. I've been there; I know you've been there too. I "deserve" it. I've worked hard for it. I want what I want and when I want it. What ungrateful little brats we can be!! All you have to do is look at the average family of a third-world country to realize just how easy and how good we have it here. Do you know how hard...how really hard...some people work just to provide one good meal for their family? My purpose isn't to shame but rather to help others realize that gratitude is the beginning of true understanding, compassion and patience. Gratitude is the beginning of maturity and growth.

You have to admit. Even when things look bleak, you can always find something for which to be thankful. Always. If you're sitting in a hospital waiting to find out the fate of your spouse, your child or yourself, you can find something to be grateful for...even if it's just a decent meal and a caring nurse. If you're losing your house to foreclosure, you can find something to be grateful for...even if it's just a good laugh shared with your family or an encouraging word from a friend. Even when it looks like your entire world is turning upside down, you can find something to be grateful for. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to have the perfect life and/or everything your heart desires in order to have a grateful heart. Maybe you can be grateful for your youth and physical abilities. Maybe you can be grateful for the relationships in your life. Maybe you can be grateful for your experience and brain power. Maybe you can be grateful for something as simple as being alive. Whatever your circumstances, you can be grateful.

And I honestly believe that the start of something great...the impetus of real growth and transformation...is a heart of gratitude. A heart that is thankful will reach out in love to someone who may need physical, mental or emotional needs met. A heart that is thankful will lovingly guide others to that same spirit of gratitude and joy. A heart that is thankful will lend itself to improving not just themselves but their community and their world. That is change you can count on, and as long as we view ourselves (collectively) as victims and lacking in any way, that change will never happen.

Even though I'm sitting here tonight wondering about our family's future, I'm grateful for everything I see. I'm grateful for the home that shelters us and the junk that clutters it. I'm grateful for the food that fills my belly...and in fact makes my belly bigger than it ought to be. I'm grateful for my family, friends & acquaintances who pray for and encourage us daily. I'm grateful for my vehicles and the miracle that they keep running despite their age and mileage. I'm grateful for my furnace that provides instant heat for us throughout the bitterly cold Iowa nights. I'm grateful "even though"...

And tonight, I'm grateful for the silence because it's in the silence that I can God speaking to me.

Question: What are you grateful for today?