Certain uncertainty

I was a cheerleader in the 8th grade, and I was never very good at it. But here I am at 30-something now trying to be hubby's cheerleader. It's not easy. His inner voice is speaking so loudly that he does not hear me. I think he also has a hard time being his own cheerleader, which is why I'm glad that he turns to God in those moments. But sometimes I don't feel like being his cheerleader. It can be exhausting, and some days I am just not up for the task. I can't always be cheerful. I can't always be encouraging. Sometimes I just want to "be" and be allowed to wallow in whatever emotions I'm feeling.

The other day, I was crabby, and he was crabby. We did our best not to take it out on each other, but you know how that goes. To say we were both emotionally sensitive is an understatement. I like how Dr. Phil illustrates emotional sensitivity. He says that it's like having a sunburn on your back; you're already in a little bit of pain. But then someone comes along and slaps you right on that sore spot, and you jump out of your skin. According to Dr. Phil's explanation, our emotions are a bit crispy right now, and we were slapping each others backs that day. :)

I don't remember who started crabbing first or why, but I do remember sitting on the back steps that night having a conversation with God. I asked him to forgive me of the worry and fear that I allowed to dictate my behavior. I explained to Him that it's just the uncertainty of our future that has me on edge and that when he gets a new job...

Huh? What was that? Why does the presence of a job (or lack thereof) dictate what I'm saying and doing?
How does a new job equal certainty in my future?

Uh-oh...it doesn't. What if that company goes under next year? What if a new job means hubby works constantly and is never home? What if he doesn't make nearly as much money?

God speaks to my heart constantly...even when I'm aimlessly yammering. So that night, this is how the conversation looks in my mind's eye.

Me: Dear Heavenly Father please help me....yadda, yadda, yadda.
God: <>
Me: Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda.
God: Umm....Why do...
Me: Yadda, yadda, yadda
God: He-lll-000000...Why do you think....
Me: Yadda, yadda, yadda.
God: WHY DO YOU THINK A NEW JOB IS THE SOLUTION TO YOUR BAD ATTITUDE????
Me: Yadda...yadda.....yad-.....did you say something?!

Nothing...and I do mean NOTHING...is certain in this life. That's the whole problem. Life is dynamic; in other words, it constantly changes. Just because you may be having hard times now doesn't mean you'll have hard times next year. Just because you may live in prosperity now doesn't mean you'll be living in prosperity next month. Just because you're healthy today doesn't mean you'll be healthy tomorrow. Just because you're children are compliant now doesn't mean they'll be as compliant in six months.

I tend to run "what if" scenarios in my mind in order to calm my nerves because it somehow makes me feel in control of the future. Constant planning...constant "what if"-ing doesn't mean that I'm in control of anything. It means I'm fooling myself into believing that I'm in control. Then something inevitably happens to knock me back into reality. In those hard moments, I realize that my emotions and behavior are rooted in the wrong place.

So there in the dark that night, I realized that my excuse for not behaving well was not a good one. I was in need of a reminder....that my circumstances should not be the basis of my happiness. In other words if things are good, I'm good. If things are bad, I'm bad. If things are very bad, I'm very bad.

Remember that professor guy a couple years back who was dying of terminal cancer and gave his class a lecture about living life as a Tigger or as an Eeyore. Wow, what a powerful testimony. Here's a guy who knows that he will leave this Earth forever. He will leave behind his loving wife and child(ren), but he's pleading with people to live like Tigger...no matter what.

Question: Is your attitude and behavior rooted in your circumstances? Do you feel as though you control your own destiny? Have you ever experienced a time when you realize that you are, in fact, not in control at all? Does that make you want to let the situation go or does it make you want to cling to it tighter?